What is exactly this pain that I'm feeling right now? How can I get a rid of it? Is it some bullshit feelings called love or crush? Because if it's a crush it's surely crash a lot. I may not look like a love optimist but I know that too much optimism is never good, I actually know that cuz I've tried it... more than once unfortunately but I don't blame anyone or anything cuz I know that's the nature of living and it's all holy rules, I also know the fact that I still don't know a lot right now, because how much I've tried things I still haven't tried them all and I can't understand them all. Here I am right now, I don't understand love. Why?- it's pretty easy I haven't been in touch with love, I don't even know how to define this supposed-to-be love I have for my parents my family and friends... I don't really know what love is. You can say it and laugh about it: “it's pity”. Love, love ... love. If I bring that out is because I might feel it right now, but I'm not sure or else I'm not ready or scared... I know love is just like stairs it has levels and stuff and I know I'm not on the top of it yet, but I also know that I'm like a child who's learning to walk through it all. Here's the story of a cherry happy looking girl who always had confusing feelings but knew how to hide them, she once met this one guy for few minutes ... he was the perfect match of the perfect man image she drew when she was younger but she never thought this image could come true, of course would have thought that an image can turn so human figure ... well let's get back to that girl, she didn't have the chance to know this guy because she was so shy back then but months later like almost a year she could beat up the half of her shy-self and she talked him out enough to really fall for him... like the others he didn't notice her or her feelings he indirectly friend-zoned her and she was left alone facing her ache, afraid to tell anyone she kept looking alone for some explanation for her weird acts and her weird feelings ... all she found is N O T H I N G. She got sick, sick of being the nice childish friend, sick of not being seen by anybody, sick of not having neither the power nor the courage to change all this. She wandered around, she prayed, she faced the sky, she smoke, she breathed... but all what she did was useless, yet arrived to this extreme she wasn't expecting any positive move from this guy, well only she expected him to ask her this question “why am I exactly to you? I mean how do you feel about me?” even if her answer was going to ruining it all, she was just expecting such move so she can be set free and carry on her life. The story of this girl carries on, but the point that I want to show is the pain or this weird thing that we feel deep inside us once the love hormone is secreted by this useful yet useless brain of ours, I personally feel the agony right now when I think about him, I just want him to make a move or set me free, I don't want to feel weird anymore I can't stand carrying on my life this way, I wanna feel as I used to before meeting him, it's true he had changed me a lot and taught me a lot but he can't do anything anymore if he doesn't step the most important step. How much I've tried to show myself up to him he just doesn't understand. What can I do to get him to notice it or notice me even more?
Feeling nothing under your chest... you may think at first place that it's all by normal, but when you think and think about it you start wondering and realize that something must probably be wrong... but what is it? Emptiness, loneliness or ... or nothing else. Why do I feel lonely and empty? Why do I think that those feelings are wrong? Why do I even question myself about it?
I got no words, no ideas to express these feelings, all I know is that something is pressed hard under my chest just in the up-middle left side of my chest, is it my heart? But why? Why does it get pressed? As I blankly stare at things to try to find an answer I feel it tightening up without any valuable reason. I close my eyes, I breathe deeply enough to feel dizzy, enough to make myself at ease and forget about my heart pressure but for the first time it doesn't work, the thing that I usually do to feel better in all the circumstance is a typical failure right now. Are you ... could you be the reason why I'm feeling this? ♬